14 signs you’re becoming a craft beer bore
Beer used to be simple.
The cool people drank exotic lagers from faraway places, and the bores drank cloudy real ales with bits of the brewers’ fingers in them.
And then craft beer happened.
Don’t get us wrong.
We love a grapefruity IPA, a steam beer or a stout so thick you need a spoon to consume it.
But it’s all too easy to take craft beers a little too seriously.
Here are 14 signs that you might have become a craft beer bore.
1. You namedrop beers
‘Oh yeah, I’ve had the Spunky Backpack ’12 and ’13,’ you say, ‘and the Fulchester Furtle ’09’.
Truly, you are a golden God.
2. You flip out about glassware
You know that craft beers come in glassware, not glasses.
Hell mend the barperson who puts your IPA in a frosted Heineken pint glass.
3. You’d rather have no beer than ordinary beer
Unless it’s Budweiser, in which case you’d rather die.
4. Your Facebook feed is nothing but Untappd updates
To you, it’s a diary of your intrepid ale explorations.
To everybody else it’s a list of things you’ve put in your mouth.
Proper glassware (Picture: Getty)
5. You know that big is bad
You’d much rather have a faintly dangerous, foul-tasting IPA from a microbrewery than a perfectly decent one from a big brewery, because craft beer is about sticking it to The Man.
Even if it means drinking toxic waste.
6. You have a favourite hop
You know who else has favourite hops? Rabbits.
7. You pity people drinking normal pints
Look at them all with their Foster’s and their Heineken.
Don’t they know that Florida Roadkill is on tap this week?
WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
8. You only have one topic of conversation
And yes, that topic is craft beer.
Line ’em up! (Picture: Getty)
9. Your breath could kill a horse
And let’s not think about what it’s like to use the bathroom after you.
10. You’re proud to pay through the nose
Normal beer drinkers splutter with outrage when the price of a pint heads towards a fiver.
You wouldn’t stoop to drinking something that cheap.
11. You hate hipsters
You were drinking Festering Gusset when nobody had heard of it, and when this pub was notoriously dangerous.
Now it’s bare brick, fussy beards and hipsters drinking ironically.
12. You’re keeping score
Beer Advocate score, to be precise.
You’d rather eat your own beard than drink something with a BA rating under 70%.
13. People are always too busy for your house parties
They say they’re busy, anyway.
But really they’re too scared to come in case the booze they bring doesn’t pass muster.
14. Nobody has the faintest idea what you’re on about
Remember when Lawson’s Double Sunshine was back in bombers and the Pliny hype train was at an all time high?
You might, but nobody else knows what any of that means.